Indecision

I had a dream last night where I was contemplating going back to school. I was at a school and a bunch of students were having a big science show. I was wandering through the tables picking up pamphlets and such, like you do at a science show at a school, getting more and more agitated. Partially this was because people around me were inferring my degree wasn't scientific enough, to which my answer was "I have a degree in Herbal Science! Science is in the title of my degree!", or at least that is the answer in my head. I left the fair and walked into a tiny kitchen and started to wonder if I should go back to school. I pulled out a computer chair that was about 12 feet high ,when fully extended, and sat and spun in circles (very dangerous and wobbly circles I might add) weighing the options. "Well," I thought, "I wanted to take that botanical illustrations class...I could add couple science classes to it."

In the dream I pondered it out further and started pulling my hair back as if trying to put it into a pony tail. My hair right now isn't long enough to do this, but as I pulled, my hair kept getting longer and longer until, once I had fretted and pulled for long enough, my hair was halfway down my back. Not sure if it's because time was moving rapidly in the dream, or if I was trying to pull out my thoughts, but I thought a metaphor might be in there somewhere.

When I woke up I was actually contemplating going to school. I was convinced it was a good idea, but as the dream fog lifted I wasn't so sure. Not that I had been sure in the dream, far from it but I was even less exited about the prospect when I woke. The dream revolved around science classes, how prestigious it would be to have a proper science degree. It bothers me to think that even my subconscious doesn't appreciate everything I learned at Bastyr. Perhaps it's just a projection of how I feel most people see my degree. I mean really Herbal Science doesn't really sound that real does it?

What would I take? I would like to take a class that would actually aide me in my Herbal Medicine focus and honestly the offerings in that department are scarce. Its not like I can, or want, to go back to Bastyr. Taking the Botanical Illustrations class seems like an ok solution, but I have to pay out of pocket. Also, one class for me has never been a great option because I tend to skip when I don't have two reasons to be on campus.

The thing is, no matter how vividly I was dreaming about school, I was still dreaming. In the dream the thought of a science class was a direction, a purpose, a focus. Which is what I desperately want right now. I felt school would make me a whole person and everything would be better, but that just isn't the reality. School will be stressful and a hassle, not to mention adding some financial strain.

I do want to take the one class. But I hesitate to commit to more. At least it would get me out of the house more and I wouldn't feel useless all the time. Of course by then it will be spring and I won't be in the seasonally depressed mode I am in now anyway. I hope spring comes quickly this year. I miss my plants.